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I want to be anonymous
But
I also want the respect of the entire world

Wait

I want the entire world to respect
The thing I have created

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questioninggender

It is difficult. i cant lie about that.

Its difficult when everyone you know says “but you were prettier with all your hair” and “its just a phase”. It hurts when nobody understands because they haven’t had to question it. And for most people, the gender you are assigned at birth is the one you will always be. It is your constant in the ever-changing variables of your life.

I suppose it is like the foundation of you. You are built from what ever gender you are, then your hobbies, your likes, your dislikes; all built upon your gender to create you as a person.

but when that foundation shifts. When it becomes self aware, questions its existence, why it has to be on the bottom of the pile. Then everything above it must change. Must adapt to whatever changes the base is creating.

And wether the person acknowledges it or not is a completely different story.

And perhaps that is why it can be so sudden.

And perhaps that is why it hurts so much. To not only have to rebuild your own identity, but to suffer through all the criticism and hate that comes with it.

And its not real hate either. it the little things. Its the snickers as you walk past. Its the look that you get from strangers in the bathroom. Its the questions you get from your parents, from your friends, from your teachers, everyone you know.

But you don’t have an answer for them. You can just say that “oh, yeah I’m a girl”. But that doesn’t feel right. And “I’m a boy” doesn’t sit quite right either. You’re somewhere in between but for everyone you know, there is no middle.

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# once upon a time 2

There was a spirit that inhabited a body and had named herself Cara. 

The body was well looked after however this soul wanted to feel true pain, as the body that it inhibited lived a truly sheltered and perfect life. 

The mind heard the souls pleas, and as such, it created this demon

This highly advanced demon that, instead of fighting the body to make it change, would instead convince it. 

And so the demon began. It started with small gestures, little things that would pass under the bodies radar. Small things like “eat this even though it will make you sick” and “look how irrationally sad you become”. It’s escalated into “these people do not care about you, you cannot trust them” and “this pain will stop if you don’t feel anything”. This demon continued “suicide is a cowards way out, you deserve this pain” until the breaking point. Where the bodies will was so crushed that it barely existed. 

But not matter how far the demon went, no matter how crushed the will was, the body kept a flame going, inside her heart. A light in the darkness, it burned any demon who got too greedy. 

Soon Cara felt nothing. Her internal monologue was “I must be stronger”. With the demon perception of strong being emotionless. And so, she kept pushing herself to be stronger. The demon had her in his web, his endless cycle of “I must be stronger” therefore “I must have no pain” then why do I have pain “I must not be strong enough”. 

At this point the demon just sat back and watched as Cara drove herself over the edge and back again multiple times. And occasionally he would butt in, saying things like “slit your wrists” and “hit them”. The demon, wanted chaos, wanted violence. 

And Cara, she thought she wanted it too. And yet there was always something that stopped her. Before she did anything too drastic. She could not figure it out. She thought she wanted this, then why was her body not responding?
One day, years later, Cara went to school and she met another body. His name was Liam. He was a sad soul, one that blamed his misfortune on his body. This boy, had the influence of others in creating his demon. It was a sad demon, one who convinced this boy that he was worthless and would never find someone who loved him. His father certainly had a hand in creating this demon, and the boy would cry every night because of the horrible things that demon said. 

When these two bodies met, they were surrounded by other energies. But certainly, there was something special about this other person. Some sort of pull that led Cara to begin texting Liam. 

She flirted with this awkward boy and found that talking to him felt like a breath of fresh air. Talking to him sent sparks of electricity across her skin, waking her up. She realised that if she could keep him around, she would be able to feel sparks of happiness. 

Liam found that this girl was the perfect combination. She liked video games and was incredibly nice to him, complimenting, bringing his mood up whenever he let her. He realised that if he could keep her around, he would be able to feel moments of happiness. 

As time went on however, Liam was getting tired of her fake love. Since she could not feel anything he thought his love was wasted on her, and the love she was giving him was hollow. And to some extent he was right. She could not give or receive real love, since she had hidden herself in a hazmat suit. Frustrated, and scared that he would leave, Cara told him she would try and feel things again. 

And this combination of words triggered the demon to reawake. “Feel things again? Don’t you understand that feeling means pain?” I thought I wanted to feel pain? I thought that made me whole? 

Cara found the holes in the demons logic, and the fire inside of her swelled. The demon panicked, and made her grab a pair of scissors. And time stood still as the demon prepared the command. And once it was done the demon stood at his control panel shaking violently, and Cara feel to the floor and felt her heart break. No tears, no screams, she was empty. 

This fight went on for months, the demon too scared to give up control, Cara too scared of what would happen when the demon wasn’t in control. 
But… Cara decided she would not tolerate this anymore. Her body wanted to heal, her spirit wanted her to heal the mental and physical damage. And so, she began feeling things. She began feeling wonder and creativity and love. 

And although Cara has healed now, and she has the proper tools to conquer any demon that comes her way, do not for a second think she is without pain. 

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I’m burning
From the sensation
Of wasting away

I terribly
Terribly
Need to do something
Need to
Let it all go

But I have no idea how to

Oh wait I do know this feeling
It is the feeling
When you desperately need to be in pain
It is when your emotions
Have been kept too long inside of you
And so they come forth
In a swirling tornado of heat and fire and rage
That destructs everything you are
Everything you have been
Everything to want to be

And soon I will be left
As a smoking pile of cinders
Wondering why the hell this happened now

Perhaps I do not have a choice in this matter
I suppose it was only a matter of time before I broke down
It was only a matter of time
Before my body could not handle this
I suppose
It is fair
But it still hurts
And I wish
All I wish for
Would be that you were here
And that I was enough to love you

A part of me wants it to be hard work
A part of me wants it to be difficult
For it to be dramatic
And sad
Devastating
Because that makes it real
Doesn’t it?

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If this life has taught me anything

It is that:

Do not take anything for granted

 

Beauty can be

Wherever you choose to see it

 

And when you see everything

As a blessing

When you realise

That you will never be in this exact position ever again

And that nobody will ever be able to recreate your experience in a place in time
You begin to realise

Just how precious your life is

And just how enlightening

Your art will become

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Action
Massive action

I feel so helpless and pathetic

What massive action have I ever instigated?

Exactly-
Nothing
Is that not pathetic


But
Perhaps massive action
Is nothing more
That what you perceive to be massive

Perhaps
Such a radical move
As to love

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Are we all just swept up in what we allow to influence our thinking?
To what extent do we influence our thoughts?

How do we know when we are thinking for ourselves or thinking for what they want us to think?

Are we ever thinking for ourselves in such an invasive society, with social media and constant advertising?

Is any thought original anymore?

Is that sad?